I apologize for my absence! Life has been moving faster than usual and been filled with so much messiness lately. At first it was hard for me to decide on whether I wanted to talk about what has been going on with me at all.
Sometimes I feel a little fear of being vulnerable, discussing my life and its problems as I would a friend being totally raw and honest. Feeling as if I am placing a burden on people with my own problems. Basically, feeling as if I am not worthy or important or deserving enough to have my story told. Do you ever feel like this? As if the enemy belittles you enough to make you think that not only your problems are important.
But, that’s not what I am most afraid of. On the total opposite spectrum of not feeling important/worthy enough, I struggle with pride. I can unfortunately get so consumed with the idea that I am more valuable and important and deserving when it comes to my time, my schedule, and the blessings God gives, comparing all of it to others.
I think it is described best in 1 John 2:15-16 “Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. There are not from the Father, but are from this world.”
Sometimes little things like the amount of Instagram likes fuels this kind of ugliness inside me, blurring truth. These lies make things even more difficult when I am faced with a hard situations.
Lately, a hard situation has been my luck with cars.
About 3 weeks ago my mom was driving my car on the way to get my brakes checked and ironically enough the brakes totally went out. She was getting of an exit on the highway and she just couldn’t stop. After flying off the ramp, going through a fence and missing two trees by 5 inches on each side of her, my mom was lucky to be alive and even luckier to get out of the car with a shattered windshield, windows, dented doors, pierced tires, and missing side rear view mirrors. unfortunately, this left me without a car. So, my dad let me borrow his car but not without the drama of changing his mind and threatening to have it reported stolen and drama that is far too much for this post. Between this time I had rented a car to get by hoping I would get a new car soon and return my dad’s car back to him as soon as possible. Fast forward to this past weekend, I was on my way to Franklin to pick up a new car that my mom and I had bought together (which she picked out on her birthday!! Only my mom is that selfless that she would buy me a car on her birthday!) and as I pulling out of my driveway, bags packed and ready to go, I got into an accident. Later that weekend I found out my new car will not be available for a few weeks, leaving me completely carless.
Utter shock and complete frustration filled me, leaving me to ask God a question on repeat, “why?”
WHY is this happening to me? I’m a good person.
WHY am I being punished? I didn’t do anything to deserve this.
Do you ever ask these questions? When you experience shock and frustration what do you say to God?
I question Him. I prove myself using false importance to prove my worth. This creates pride that argues with God as to why I am deserving only of His blessings (and no hardship) and that life should be easy for me because I think I am “a good person.”
I do this because sometimes I get caught up in the world that I love. A world full of possessions that make life easy and convenient. In this scenario , I did not have the love of the Father in me because I allowed my craving of a car to overcome me and succeed me with the lies of importance that the enemy tells me.
You may read this and ask, how could something like car trouble make you in awe of the goodness of God? I am in awe of my Father because of His sweet reminders. He truly humbled me in this situation in a way that gave me the courage to share this story with you, using my testimony to teach someone else about who he is. He made me feel that my problems are always important to Him and I am always worthy of feeling vulnerable and raw. In the midst of my independence, He makes me reliant on Him and opens my eyes to my wonderful community. These past few weeks I have been reminded of how well He knows me and how much He blesses me with people in my life that will give me rides and pick me up and drop me off and making me feel loved and important and certainly not a burden. Yet, at the same time He shatters my pride and shatters what I think I am deserving of. This is because I can trust again that His plan is far greater than mine and how I couldn’t do any of it on my own.
I think that when “life happens,” satan thrives and it makes it that much easier for him to shove these lies into our heads and hearts that are almost too easy to believe. He knows that when we are in shock and frustration it is when our path to looking at The Cross is most blurry… he uses whatever he can to make us think that we don’t need God and that He doesn’t care about us anyways. Satan wants us to satisfy our cravings in this world but he will not prevail.
I pray that you read and see the truth of The Cross. That you realize the difference between what is of God and what is of the world. That you lay down your life just as He did, meaning to put aside the the cravings you have for this world and find true satisfaction only in Him. May you feel worthy and important because God chose you and loves you, not because you are entitled and deserving. Stop asking why and ask God how you can give up your plan for His, for He has far greater things planned then we could ever imagine (Habakkuk 1:5).
Thank you so much for reading.